What was I thinking?

Well, how can I start out this week, after last week's post of gaining 10 pounds? How about I lost 6 1/2 pounds this week. I know not the 10 I gained is off, but I made a great effort.
So, this past week was Memorial Day and our family had a cookout and that is the whole reason for the picture.
I am still having extreme problems with my knees, I don't know when the problem will take care of itself or if I need to finally have surgery to take care of it, but this is enough to drive me into depression.
Anyways, I decided to try and climb a slide of this size and lo and behold I am scared of heights, so as I am climbing with my bad knees halfway up the steps, I have a panic attack. Instead of heading back down, I went the rest of the way up and unlike the top of this slide there was a space at the top of the slide that was more or less enclosed all the way around and I got stuck in that area. I am too big to fit there. I could not maneuver myself to try and come down the slide and at this point the panic attack is in full force and I am feeling like I am going to die. I finally managed to get down by coming down the steps but I was really scared because I was really wedged into that area. There is one more reason for me to feel disgusted by my weight, but we figured out that when I get 50 more pounds off I should be able to go down the slide. Now whether or not I will is a whole different matter. It was a fairly good week for me and I am still on track so here's hoping...
So until next week I hope to gain nothing but knowledge and lose nothing but weight.

At least for me...What goes down must go up

This past week has been a tough one for me, and I have had in my mind all week what I wanted to write about but part of me is scared because I don't want to be criticized, but that is part of being accountable to the public eye. When I decided to make my successes and failures public then I knew I would have to take the good with the bad.

So, with all that in mind, here goes. I gained 10 pounds this week. I am the first one to admit that I did not eat well over the weekend. So some of you (or maybe all of you) wonder how I could have gained so much in a week's time. I don't have an answer to that, but I do know what I did or didn't do. I did not exercise last week, and I blew the entire weekend, beginning with Friday after I got off from work and it didn't stop until Sunday when I went to bed.

One of the things going through my head is that I have never lost more than 55 pounds total while dieting. I am scared of getting past that. I don't know why I feel this way but I do. I think I am afraid of changing. I have been like this all my life and I don't know anything different. I have always had no self confidence and I am afraid to an extent. I was also depressed last week, my medical issues have caused me to be depressed to an extent. I do know that when I feel depressed I eat, so this is another one of my reasons. I am not making excuses for what I am doing, I take full responsibility for my actions.

I am having problems with my knees. This has been brought on by the extreme weight I placed on them in the first place, so while I know that I am not making it any worse, I tend to ask myself why I keep doing this if it doesn't seem to be helping. Now I know better than to think that but that was my mindset last week. My knees (now it is both) are really bothering me alot right now, and that is going to happen unless I have some kind of knee surgery, but the tear in my right knee is not severe enough to warrant a surgery. The left knee is just now starting to give me problems.

All I really know right now is that I need to keep losing weight. I went to the gym last night and I am back on a healthy diet plan so I think I am back on track. I am also turning this over to God, He is the only one who can help me through this right now.

So, did I learn anything from this? I am accepting the responsibility and not breaking down or crying about it, but I am far from having this all figured out. With time and with God all things are possible.

Until next week, when I hope to have a better prognosis and attitude, I hope to lose nothing but weight and gain nothing but knowledge.

What a Feeling!

Well, here it is! I finally made it to my 50 pound goal. It took me 7 months to do it, but I have.

This gives me a bit a time to reflect on this. First off, it has been a long rough struggle, I have felt like giving up on this many times, but I have managed to push through with the help of my friends and family. When I first started I weighed more than I ever thought possible, and I didn't think I would ever get the weight off. Oh, how I remember having to be weighed with a special clamp because the scales would not read over 350 pounds. I think that was the most embarrassing thing I had ever gone through, thank goodness I was being weighed by family. It was embarrassing because someone would have to get weighed and then get weighed again with the clamp on. The difference would be subtracted and then that would be added to what I weighed. When I think back to that it almost makes me want to cry.

I also think about how sick I was ALL the time. I remember my knee was giving me severe problems and at one point I was walking with a walker and usually always a cane. I had a handicap parking permit then (I must admit I sometimes miss that). I was on three different blood pressure meds and the doctors were telling me that it was still uncontrolled and was getting ready to put me on a fourth. I had so many migraines that I was popping Imitrex like it was Tylenol. I had the worst self esteem, I thought I couldn't be useful anywhere because I was so fat that people would either tolerate me or pity me. I was no use to my son, my job, or anything for that matter.

Wow, what a difference a few months can make. No, it isn't the few months, it is the fifty pounds. I am far from having the weight off, it is still a struggle for me, but I don't want to give up. I haven't had to use the clamp since around Christmas. Even though I still have health issues, I am now only taking 2 blood pressure meds and my thyroid meds are being tested because I am taking to much of that. I still have problems with my knee, I just recently fell on my knee and I am sometimes using a cane, but I think it is only temporary. I am exercising more than ever before and even though I am not crazy about it, there is one class that I absolutely love taking at the Y. I will soon be taking this class twice a week. The migraines have gotten better, I don't have as many as I used too. My self esteem is getting better too. What I am doing is very hard work, and I am doing it, that says something. I feel worthwhile, I am having better attendance at work, and I feel like I am not going to keel over any minute and maybe I will see my son get married, hopefully not for a long time yet. I feel like I am a worthwhile person and that I am worth knowing and I don't think people pity me... tolerate me, maybe, pity me, no.

I have come a long way baby!

I can't wait till I can tell you all I have lost 100 pounds, it will happen before this year is out, I promise!

So until next week, I hope to gain nothing but knowledge and lose nothing but weight!

Bee Attitudes of Dieting

For those of you who follow my blog regularly, you know that I am a big fan of Kim Bensen. She has an awesome website, kimbensen.com, that is just filled to the brim with information to help us all learn healthier eating habits. That is where I got my information for my Bee Attitudes. There are just 5 simple ones to follow. 1. Bee Motivated. This is usually pretty easy for me, especially when I look at the pictures I posted last week, that says it all. I also have clothes I am wearing now that I couldn't wear before and I have clothes that I am waiting to get into. 2. Bee a Planner. This is not one of the ones I follow too closely. I hate to cook so I know that I am going to have to change my thinking and starting planning that more, it is coming off pretty easy now, but soon, it will require more planning. 3. Bee Busy. This one is a definite attitude to adopt. I know that when I am sitting at home with nothing to do, I want to eat. That is what I have always done and those habits are hard to break. 4. Bee Active. This is another important attitude. Exercise is good for you all the way around and while the weight will come off, it will happen quicker with regular exercise. 5. Set small goals...See how healthy you can Bee. With all my previous attempts to dieting, I always set my standards and goals too high, making it unattainable for me and then I would get discouraged and give up. Now I set small goals for myself and it is really helping. When I lost 25 pounds, I went and had my hair highlighted, when I hit my 10%, my some gave me a charm for my watch that he had made me for Christmas. When I hit my 50 well, it is going to be a new hair color and possible something a little radical, I am not sure yet, but it will definitely be fun.
So this week, I had a minor setback, I gained 2 1/4 pounds and while I wonder if I will ever hit the big 50, I know that is is all attainable.
So until next week, I hope to gain nothing but knowledge and lose nothing but weight.