Good Choices Vs Bad Choices

I went to see a dietican on May 6th.  One of my many requirements for weight loss surgery.  I'm really struggling with this.  I want it, I want it bad but I sometimes can't follow through with "sticking to it."  My dietican told me to focus on the changes I have made.  To think about the reasons for doing this.  

First and foremost, I'm doing this for me.  I want to feel better, I want to be able to do more.  I am also doing this for my family.  My wonderful husband has taken care of me for years and he is not in the best health.  I want to get in better shape do that he doesn't have to keep pushing himself.  I want to see my beautiful grandchildren grow.  These beautiful little creations make me see true perfection.  

So now I must think about all the positive things that has happened.  Well first off I have lost 18 pounds and I go to get weighed next week.  My wedding ring doesn't fit, that's good and bad.  Some clothes are starting to look looser and some I  couldn't  fit into I am now wearing.  My blood sugar levels are near perfect and I'm almost off my insulin.  I'm a little more active but that is still hard for me.  There is so much that I have to be proud about, but I keep seeing the negative.  I'm still "binging" at times and that is something I need to stop doing, my surgery doesn't allow for that.  I need to learn healthy habits or I won't succeed with the surgery.  So what am I doing right?  I don't drink carbonated drinks at all.  I will drink iced tea or light lemonade at a restaraunt but besides that it's always water.  I have removed all junk food from my house, that helps my binges.  Even though I still have binges, I pick foods in the house.  That still doesn't mean I'm doing the right thing, I'm just not shoving chocolate or sugar down my throat. I was told to journal my experiences, my feelings.  Today was a binge day for me.  I started out okay.  I had a smoothie which had fresh spinach in it and my usual peanut butter toast.  I was still hungry after that so I ate a bag of popcorn.  Still not doing too bad but then I jump off the deep end.  I eat several lunchmeat sandwiches, several olives, some pickle spears and pretzels.  The problem with this is that I eat all of this so fast, it is like I've been deprived of food and I have to eat it all up or it will be taken away from me.  I don't  understand why I think that way because no one has ever done that to me.  I wonder if this has anything to do with a past trauma in my life.  I was at a healthy weight up until I turned 20.  My husband was in prison for having sex with a member of my family.  I was estranged from my family.  I had a 2 1/2 year old child.  My husband got out of prison and I promptly became pregnant, I had also gained about 40 pounds in a few months.  Food was my friend, it never left me or discriminated and it didn't hurt me.  Once I found out I was pregnant I miscarried at three months.  It was okay, I was sad but I had a beautiful healthy child, I was tring to keep my marriage on track.  My miscarriage was is September 1986.  My three year old daughter died in December 1986.  My husband and I split up in January 1987 and was divorced by June.  So much tragedy for a 20 year old and I turned to food.  I'm almost sure the link is there but I don't know how to deal with it, how to fix it.  I've been overweight more than I haven't.  How do I unlearn this?  27 years of bad eating choices.  Well that's the million dollar question.  I am going to be focusing on these very issues with a counselor and hopefully I can learn new habits.  So stay tuned folks, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.  

What am I doing?

I have decided to have bariatric surgery.  First off let me start by saying that I'm not choosing the easy way out.  This is so hard and there are so many things I have to do before iam even accepted.  

In January I decided it was time to follow through with WLS (weight loss surgery) and I would follow it no matter where it takes me.  In January of 2014 I went to a Weight Loss Seminar.  After that I had to fill out an application to be seen.  I went to my 1st meeting on February 19 and I talked to my program coordinator who told me what I would need to do to qualify for the surgery.  They took a battery of tests and then sent me to see a dietician.  The dietican wants me to lose 19 pounds in six months, stop drinking carbonated beverages, eat slowly, take small bites, eat 6 mini meal a day.  There was so much to take in that first day.  This is the day that is the beginning of the rest of my new life.  I have to see my primary care physician once a month for the official weigh in.  My first weigh in has been a great one.  I've lost 16.8 pounds my first month.  

I have to see a psychologist who has to give me the final okay to move towards surgery.  When I went to see him the main thing I got out of it is to not binge eat.

I have had to see a cardiologist who sent me for a stress test and echocardiogram.  I passed both tests.  

I have had to see a pulmonary doctor and have a lung function test.  I am still waiting in results.  

I have had to have an endoscopy and the found problems so I was sent in for an upper GI.  The tests came back okay for that.

So far I am healthy enough to have the surgery.  

Now back to the psychologist, he wants me going to education classes which is something I can't afford.  I live 2 1/2 hours from the hospital, the classes were going to have to be paid for out of pocket.  I live on a very limited income.  There is no extra money for anything.  So, they said I can see a dietican in Zanesville and have counseling with my counselor who had WLS and was three years out.  Everything is looking up for me.

It seems that this all sounds easy, right?  Wrong...Besides these appointments I have kegs throw in all the other appointments I have.  My doctor, my optimalogist, my neurologist, my rheumatologist, my dermatologist, my psychiatrist (who is different from the WLS psychologist) and my counselor.  

There was a day a couple weeks ago that I had a meltdown.  I was confusing dr appt times and dates.  I had a different appointment everyday of the week.  I was done, I felt it just wasn't worth it.  That only lasted a day and then my mom suggested I blog my experience.  So here it is.

I will be writing more and might have more than one entry on the same say but I have different topics to talk about.  

2009? This is the last time I posted?

I can't believe it was back in 2009 when I was involved with wanting to lose weight.  So much has happened since then and now I want to get caught back up on my blog.  My blog title Dieters Woes seems aptly appropriate even more so now.  Five years and I still struggle on a daily basis.  5 years and I have weighed more than I ever have.  5 years and I have developed so many health issues.  Are you noticing a theme here?  It is 5 years later and I am worse off than I was then.  If only I hadn't given up, if only..,

Here I am, April 26, 2014.  I have many good things in my life.  I'm happily married to my wonderful husband, David. I have just become a grandma to twins, and my son seems to be happy and is making a life for himself.  While I must admit, my financial situation is no where near as good as it was in 2009, I have a home to live in and we are able to pay our bills.

I found out in 2013 that I was going to be a grandma to twins.  I am having health issues, morbid obesity, diabetes, sleep apnea, high blood pressure, high cholesterol.  My husband is not in very good health and he has been my caretaker.  I want to change my life.  I am 47 years old.  I decided that beginning January 2014 I would look into weight loss surgery.  I promised myself I would follow this through no matter what.  So this is my new journey, my new story.  The story leading up to my Gastic Bypass surgery.

So join me in my triumphs and failures, my feelings, good and bad.  

Thank you, to my son for giving me a reason to want to make this change and to my mother fir telling me to journal it again.

Welcome to my new life story.