I went to see a dietican on May 6th. One of my many requirements for weight loss surgery. I'm really struggling with this. I want it, I want it bad but I sometimes can't follow through with "sticking to it." My dietican told me to focus on the changes I have made. To think about the reasons for doing this.
First and foremost, I'm doing this for me. I want to feel better, I want to be able to do more. I am also doing this for my family. My wonderful husband has taken care of me for years and he is not in the best health. I want to get in better shape do that he doesn't have to keep pushing himself. I want to see my beautiful grandchildren grow. These beautiful little creations make me see true perfection.
So now I must think about all the positive things that has happened. Well first off I have lost 18 pounds and I go to get weighed next week. My wedding ring doesn't fit, that's good and bad. Some clothes are starting to look looser and some I couldn't fit into I am now wearing. My blood sugar levels are near perfect and I'm almost off my insulin. I'm a little more active but that is still hard for me. There is so much that I have to be proud about, but I keep seeing the negative. I'm still "binging" at times and that is something I need to stop doing, my surgery doesn't allow for that. I need to learn healthy habits or I won't succeed with the surgery. So what am I doing right? I don't drink carbonated drinks at all. I will drink iced tea or light lemonade at a restaraunt but besides that it's always water. I have removed all junk food from my house, that helps my binges. Even though I still have binges, I pick foods in the house. That still doesn't mean I'm doing the right thing, I'm just not shoving chocolate or sugar down my throat. I was told to journal my experiences, my feelings. Today was a binge day for me. I started out okay. I had a smoothie which had fresh spinach in it and my usual peanut butter toast. I was still hungry after that so I ate a bag of popcorn. Still not doing too bad but then I jump off the deep end. I eat several lunchmeat sandwiches, several olives, some pickle spears and pretzels. The problem with this is that I eat all of this so fast, it is like I've been deprived of food and I have to eat it all up or it will be taken away from me. I don't understand why I think that way because no one has ever done that to me. I wonder if this has anything to do with a past trauma in my life. I was at a healthy weight up until I turned 20. My husband was in prison for having sex with a member of my family. I was estranged from my family. I had a 2 1/2 year old child. My husband got out of prison and I promptly became pregnant, I had also gained about 40 pounds in a few months. Food was my friend, it never left me or discriminated and it didn't hurt me. Once I found out I was pregnant I miscarried at three months. It was okay, I was sad but I had a beautiful healthy child, I was tring to keep my marriage on track. My miscarriage was is September 1986. My three year old daughter died in December 1986. My husband and I split up in January 1987 and was divorced by June. So much tragedy for a 20 year old and I turned to food. I'm almost sure the link is there but I don't know how to deal with it, how to fix it. I've been overweight more than I haven't. How do I unlearn this? 27 years of bad eating choices. Well that's the million dollar question. I am going to be focusing on these very issues with a counselor and hopefully I can learn new habits. So stay tuned folks, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.
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