Destiny, Downsizing, Depression, Despair

Hey everyone, I didn't post last week, but that is okay, we didn't have our downsizing group because we meet in a church and they had Vacation Bible School. I am not sure if you all will want to read my post right now anyways. I try to remain optimistic but darn it sometimes it is hard to be that way.

It is no surprise that I am struggling with my weight. I am not gaining alot but I am not losing alot right now either.

My title that I gave my post this week is making me think. Destiny...what is my destiny? Does anyone know and if they could would they really want to? Sometimes I wonder what my future holds, but I don't dwell on it. I keep thinking that if I turn more towards God then my destiny and reward will be when my life is over here on earth. While that is a great thought, what must I go through until I get to that point? It is hard to turn to God right now, my faith is teetering, which is causing my depression and subsequent feelings of despair. You are probably telling me to suck it up, get over yourself, quit having a pity party for yourself.

I am not feeling these feelings just because I am having a bad day or something isn't going my way. I feel this way because of my medical problems. I am so tired of feeling this way, I have this condition which is embarrassing, demoralizing, and when it is at it's worst is so painful that I can hardly cope. I am at my wit's end, and I am turning wherever I can to find help. I realize I am not alone, I have read many other testimonies about people suffering with the same issues as me and with the same experiences. While it helps to know I am not alone, I don't wish this on anyone. I am trying a new thing soon, I am going with the herbal route. At this point nothing can hurt and from what I am researching, this seems to be helping people in my situation.

Right at this particular point I can't even exercise, normally I am told to stay out of the water, but right now things are so bad that exercise is not advisable. I used to hope to hear those words before but now, I miss not being able to go to the gym.

Downsizing...this can be good or bad. Bad if you are facing this in your job, and while I still have my job and am very fortunate to have it, we are expected to pick up more and help out more because we are short staffed. I have the desire, I am not sure I have the optimum health. Downsizing to lose weight is a good thing, and I am pleased to say that I lost a pound this week.

I am trying harder this week, I am keeping to stricter eating patterns, since I am not exercising.

It will come off one day at a time.

So, enough of my whining, I will be okay. Psalms 28:7 says the Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.

I am reading this over and over and over and if I believe so shall it be.

Until next week...Gaining should be done only in my knowledge and Losing is the weight I hope to achieve.

Finally a name has been chosen

So, we are now called the Downsizers...
Usually that name has a negative sound, but in this case it is a good thing.
Where do I start this week? I have so much on my mind, so much that is bothering me. I gained four pounds this week, I guess it shouldn't surprise me, I had not been following my food plan and even though I made it to the gym three times last week, it just wasn't enough to ward off the gain.
I am thinking alot about self image and self esteem. I am finding out that reading about people who have lost 100 pounds or more is such a motivation to me. These people inspire me and if they can do then surely I can do it right? Kim Bensen will remain my true source of inspiration, she cares...as I am sure all the people who have lost significant amounts of weight do. Being this overweight makes us want to compensate in other areas, so that is why we seem happy, or "jolly". I know we all care about others in situations like our own, we have lived this life, we go through things that "thin" people don't go through. I have a new source of "mini" inspiration right now. Ruby Gettinger, she has a reality television show on the Style network. I do not have cable, so I just found out about her because Season 1 of her DVD just became available and I watched it and she is amazing. However as great as I think she is, her story doesn't help with what I am dealing with right now.
My mom has just lost a very dear friend, to a very unexpected and tragic death. This woman came into my mom's life when my mom needed someone to understand and motivate her. My mom is an amazing mother, she has always been there for everyone, and her kids are no exception. She has always wanted the best for us and has tried very hard to provide for us, but it was hard when she didn't have a high school education. I think her kids turned out okay, she pushed us all to finish high school and we did. I went to college and graduated and my sister went to cosmetology school; however has chosen a different path to follow, and my brother is a self taught computer whiz. My mom's dream was to get her GED and she finally decided to do it and that is where she met this new friend. She had a deep impact on my mom's life and has found out with the passing of her friend that my mom had an impact on her life as well. This friend of my mom's was a wonderful, talented, extremely intelligent person, who did not feel worthy. She did not think she deserved to have anything good in her life, nor did she feel she was special in any way. She was an overweight woman, and I am sure that is how she saw herself, but those who knew her and cared for her didn't see that. What a tragedy that this woman did not see herself as her friends and family saw her.
My point to all this...this is how I have been looking at my life. I do not feel worthy of anything. My self worth is based on my weight and appearance. Much like my mom's friend, I have family and friends who love me and support me. I just haven't seen it until now. I haven't taken the time to tell everyone that you mean the world to me, and I know that I mean something to all of you. I need to be more mindful of that as I keep on with this. I may have my struggles and trust me I am having them, but I know how many people in my life is rooting for me and supporting me. I don't have to be told this everyday, I know. I just sometimes get side tracked.
I know that you all will still feel the same way about me now as when I get the weight off. For this, I am so blessed.
There are so many other things running through my mind right now, but I am going to sit and contemplate them before writing about it. Just know that I am on track, my diet is going good this week, I am going to try and start walking around the track at the gym, and when I can't do the water classes I will still be able to get in a different type of exercise.
Until next week, I hope to lose nothing but weight and gain nothing but knowledge.

Dealing with illness

Well, I didn't post last week, and inquiring minds will probably want to know that I gained 7 1/2 pounds. This is crazy...I am down 13 pounds and then up 7 1/2...
I went to the doctor's office last Tuesday (June 30) because of my ever present and ever popular infection.
The reason it is so popular is because it wants to hang around in my body all the time. Who knew my body would be such a popular place? Okay, well, for those of you who know my past, keep the jokes to yourself (he-he).
It seems I always have this infection going on but at times it is manageable, well this time it wasn't. I had to have some outpatient surgery and was put on antibiotics and was out of commission from the 30th until the 7th of July. In that time I had a second outpatient surgery and I am now getting back into the swing of things, even though I am still feeling a bit under the weather.
So, with this latest infection, I have been mostly bed-ridden which will wreak havoc on a diet and I wasn't able to go to the gym at all, and was told not to go this week either.
So, AMA(against medical advice), I went to the pool on Tuesday, probably not my smartest move but then I am only of average intelligence so...
What I have to convey is that I have missed going to the gym, I really felt as if I needed to go. Is that some kind of attitude shift I am feeling? I did go to get weighed this past week, and left right after weigh in, I was still that sick. I lost 1 pound, which is good, but how it happened, I couldn't tell you. I am trying to get into the exercise mode again, I am going to the gym again tonight, but I am still feeling a little under the weather. This is probably why the doctor told me to take another week off.
The eating is not going to great this week, I am just struggling. I do that, especially when I don't feel good , it is hard for me to keep to my diet plan, because trust me it takes work to maintain it, and i feel like I don't have the energy. I know that this is an excuse, I kind of feel I have been making alot of them lately, but I am still not giving up.
Part of me felt as if I didn't want to blog again this week, but this does help keep me accountable, so here it is.
I hope to have a better report for you next week, so until then I hope to lose nothing but weight and gain nothing but knowledge.

I'm not a whale anymore

Well, this week was our first weigh in for our new group. I am not a Whale anymore, the members of the group were upset because it gave a negative image of our group. I can see it but I did like what it stood for, and I thought it was funny. However not everyone shares my sense of humor and to be politically correct I really don't wish to offend anyone, so with that in mind...Who are we?

I don't know, there was some discussion on it, but nothing ever came about. I did come up with a name for the group, I like it, it doesn't offend and it sort of has a double meaning, I will throw it out to the group next week and if it is voted in, then I will let you know the name next week.

This week's meeting, while I enjoyed the meeting, there is some struggling going on with the other members. It seems as if some of the members are having a hard time getting motivated. What to do, what to do? I wish I had the answers for them but plain and simply I think each person has to find it within themselves to find the motivation. I personally just needed a jump start to weight loss again, I admit I lost my motivation and put about 16 pounds on from where I was at. I thought about the quote all of last week from the Kung Fu Panda movie, and it is still sticking with me.

We had to set a goal last night and we will continue to set monthly goals which are attainable. If I do not reach my goal I must pay a fine at the end of the month. I thought long and hard about it and I decided to exercise three days per week for at least thirty minutes. I can usually make it twice a week because of a class, but I can not make it more than that for whatever the reason, so I am challenging myself to do this.

I am back on track and this week's weigh in was a good one. I lost a whopping 13 pounds! Can you believe it? I knew I would do okay, but I never thought it would be this good, this is a great feeling for me.

So now I am going to close this week with a different thought, one that is very important and crucial in this time in my life:

SAVE OHIO LIBRARIES!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please tell everyone you know to call or email our state senators and state representatives and most importantly Governor Strickland. Time is running out and your input could make all the difference.

I'm a WHALE

Well, what can I say? We started our new diet this week. All new weights, all new rules, and all new name. Our group name is WHALE and it stands for Weighing Healthy And Losing Effectively. My nephew, Taylor, came up with this name and it fits our group. There is humor in this name, and isn't that what dieting should be about? Having fun while taking the pounds off? We are a motivational group that follows healthy eating guidelines. We stress the importance of food journaling, portion control, exercise, and getting a minimum of six glasses of water daily. Any diet plan you think about following is going to say that these are the key steps to following a healthy lifestyle.

This is actually not much different than the TOPS group we belonged to, but we felt that being part of a national organization, we should have received more support than we did, so this is why we broke into our own little group. The topics will range from person to person as all the members will share in presentations. We will take turns giving some sort of presentation or just having a round table discussion (even though our tables are never round). Diet groups are a strong source of motivation and we can all learn from one another. I am excited to be doing this.

Needless to say, I haven't been doing too well for the past few weeks, I have not been motivated, and I put some of the weight back on. It is important to keep this up. I am not sure why I lost my motivation or how I lost track of staying on my diet, it just sort of happened. Now I have to get back with it, I am still not super excited about it like I was when I first started, but I am committed to doing it and sometimes that is what it takes.

When there are stress factors in my life I tend to turn to food, and I have to learn to stay away from that because I am thinking that the stress in my life is not going to go away anytime soon. Oh, the joys of raising a teenager. I will get through this though one day at a time.

I read Kim Bensen's latest blog entry and I have to say that it helped me tremendously. She was talking about the movie Kung Fu Panda, and this excellent quote came from that movie, I love it, it means something to me , so I want to share it with you too. "Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. But today is a gift, that's why they call it the PRESENT." What a wonderful thought, and as Kim said if we can just forget about all of our yesterday's and not worry about all the tomorrows we just focus on today, think about staying on your diet plan for just TODAY, and what a present you will give to yourself. Then before you know it, all of your today's will help shape all of your tomorrows. That is what I got from Kim's blog and it makes perfect sense to me.

So, thank you my little Tater Tot for coming up with our awesome group name and kudos to my baby sis, for coming up with my ending statement.

Until next week, I hope to lose nothing but weight and gain nothing but knowledge. (and have fun doing it)

What is it about starting over?

Well, I did not post a blog last week, and it seems I have a lot to say this week. I did not go to weigh in last week, it is the first time I missed getting weighed since I started my diet. I had a severe migraine last week that took almost the entire week to get over.

So, here I am, and the most I can say is that I am depressed right now. I am not sure that there is any one thing I can attribute it to, it just is what it is. I lost my wallet last week and while it was returned back to me, it was returned without any of the money or credit cards. It was my own fault for losing it and I am glad that I got it back but man it really bites that I lost so much money. Fortunately I have had a couple people help me out and that helps but this is going to be a tough month because I had just enough to cover what was lost and there is no extra money, but in most cases there really isn't much extra anyways. Are you tired of my pity party that I am throwing for myself? Well, I am almost over it, but wait there's more. I had the migraine, my illnesses are getting in the way and I lost ALL motivation for dieting for about two weeks now.

This past Monday was weigh in and I gained 5 1/2 pounds. There are no excuses except that I was lazy and didn't follow.

We are having problems with our TOPS group, as to not getting the support we need from our chapter leader and that makes things rather difficult on all of us, so we decided we were going to dis ban from the group. Why pay money to an organization that will not give us the help or support that we need? This was not a rash decision made on our part, we did take steps to get communication started with our chapter leader but to no avail. Anyways, personally, I hate the political crap all this brings. Our group is going to stay together and keep doing what we are doing so all is not lost, it is just we won't receive recognition from our chosen organization.

Not a big deal, if I want to pursue this in any other fashion, I have proof about the weight I have been losing.

So, we are starting over. I have to lose my 10 percent body weight all over again. The 41 pounds I had lost while it is good for my overall health; is starting over, at least with this group.

I think this is a good thing because it has motivated some of the members that hadn't been there before and now because they are motivated I am too again.

I am back on track this week and though it is hard it is still happening. I went off my diet for two weeks, which doesn't seem that long but man it is hard trying to get back into the swing of things. I went to the gym last night for my water class and they (the ones running the show) cancelled the class because the water was too cold, and my sister was already there waiting for me and the water temp was 79 degrees. That didn't sound cold to me, let me be the first one to tell you if you didn't already know, it is cold. We managed to stay in the water for 40 minutes and then spent a nice 20 minutes in the steam room. I hear tell that the pool will be fine the next time I go. Let's hope.

Well, since I am starting over on a new but familiar path let me leave you with this quote by Brian Tracy "No one lives long enough to learn everything they need to learn starting from scratch. To be successful, we absolutely, positively have to find people who have already paid the price to learn the things that we need to learn to achieve our goals. "

Until next week...

What was I thinking?

Well, how can I start out this week, after last week's post of gaining 10 pounds? How about I lost 6 1/2 pounds this week. I know not the 10 I gained is off, but I made a great effort.
So, this past week was Memorial Day and our family had a cookout and that is the whole reason for the picture.
I am still having extreme problems with my knees, I don't know when the problem will take care of itself or if I need to finally have surgery to take care of it, but this is enough to drive me into depression.
Anyways, I decided to try and climb a slide of this size and lo and behold I am scared of heights, so as I am climbing with my bad knees halfway up the steps, I have a panic attack. Instead of heading back down, I went the rest of the way up and unlike the top of this slide there was a space at the top of the slide that was more or less enclosed all the way around and I got stuck in that area. I am too big to fit there. I could not maneuver myself to try and come down the slide and at this point the panic attack is in full force and I am feeling like I am going to die. I finally managed to get down by coming down the steps but I was really scared because I was really wedged into that area. There is one more reason for me to feel disgusted by my weight, but we figured out that when I get 50 more pounds off I should be able to go down the slide. Now whether or not I will is a whole different matter. It was a fairly good week for me and I am still on track so here's hoping...
So until next week I hope to gain nothing but knowledge and lose nothing but weight.

At least for me...What goes down must go up

This past week has been a tough one for me, and I have had in my mind all week what I wanted to write about but part of me is scared because I don't want to be criticized, but that is part of being accountable to the public eye. When I decided to make my successes and failures public then I knew I would have to take the good with the bad.

So, with all that in mind, here goes. I gained 10 pounds this week. I am the first one to admit that I did not eat well over the weekend. So some of you (or maybe all of you) wonder how I could have gained so much in a week's time. I don't have an answer to that, but I do know what I did or didn't do. I did not exercise last week, and I blew the entire weekend, beginning with Friday after I got off from work and it didn't stop until Sunday when I went to bed.

One of the things going through my head is that I have never lost more than 55 pounds total while dieting. I am scared of getting past that. I don't know why I feel this way but I do. I think I am afraid of changing. I have been like this all my life and I don't know anything different. I have always had no self confidence and I am afraid to an extent. I was also depressed last week, my medical issues have caused me to be depressed to an extent. I do know that when I feel depressed I eat, so this is another one of my reasons. I am not making excuses for what I am doing, I take full responsibility for my actions.

I am having problems with my knees. This has been brought on by the extreme weight I placed on them in the first place, so while I know that I am not making it any worse, I tend to ask myself why I keep doing this if it doesn't seem to be helping. Now I know better than to think that but that was my mindset last week. My knees (now it is both) are really bothering me alot right now, and that is going to happen unless I have some kind of knee surgery, but the tear in my right knee is not severe enough to warrant a surgery. The left knee is just now starting to give me problems.

All I really know right now is that I need to keep losing weight. I went to the gym last night and I am back on a healthy diet plan so I think I am back on track. I am also turning this over to God, He is the only one who can help me through this right now.

So, did I learn anything from this? I am accepting the responsibility and not breaking down or crying about it, but I am far from having this all figured out. With time and with God all things are possible.

Until next week, when I hope to have a better prognosis and attitude, I hope to lose nothing but weight and gain nothing but knowledge.

What a Feeling!

Well, here it is! I finally made it to my 50 pound goal. It took me 7 months to do it, but I have.

This gives me a bit a time to reflect on this. First off, it has been a long rough struggle, I have felt like giving up on this many times, but I have managed to push through with the help of my friends and family. When I first started I weighed more than I ever thought possible, and I didn't think I would ever get the weight off. Oh, how I remember having to be weighed with a special clamp because the scales would not read over 350 pounds. I think that was the most embarrassing thing I had ever gone through, thank goodness I was being weighed by family. It was embarrassing because someone would have to get weighed and then get weighed again with the clamp on. The difference would be subtracted and then that would be added to what I weighed. When I think back to that it almost makes me want to cry.

I also think about how sick I was ALL the time. I remember my knee was giving me severe problems and at one point I was walking with a walker and usually always a cane. I had a handicap parking permit then (I must admit I sometimes miss that). I was on three different blood pressure meds and the doctors were telling me that it was still uncontrolled and was getting ready to put me on a fourth. I had so many migraines that I was popping Imitrex like it was Tylenol. I had the worst self esteem, I thought I couldn't be useful anywhere because I was so fat that people would either tolerate me or pity me. I was no use to my son, my job, or anything for that matter.

Wow, what a difference a few months can make. No, it isn't the few months, it is the fifty pounds. I am far from having the weight off, it is still a struggle for me, but I don't want to give up. I haven't had to use the clamp since around Christmas. Even though I still have health issues, I am now only taking 2 blood pressure meds and my thyroid meds are being tested because I am taking to much of that. I still have problems with my knee, I just recently fell on my knee and I am sometimes using a cane, but I think it is only temporary. I am exercising more than ever before and even though I am not crazy about it, there is one class that I absolutely love taking at the Y. I will soon be taking this class twice a week. The migraines have gotten better, I don't have as many as I used too. My self esteem is getting better too. What I am doing is very hard work, and I am doing it, that says something. I feel worthwhile, I am having better attendance at work, and I feel like I am not going to keel over any minute and maybe I will see my son get married, hopefully not for a long time yet. I feel like I am a worthwhile person and that I am worth knowing and I don't think people pity me... tolerate me, maybe, pity me, no.

I have come a long way baby!

I can't wait till I can tell you all I have lost 100 pounds, it will happen before this year is out, I promise!

So until next week, I hope to gain nothing but knowledge and lose nothing but weight!

Bee Attitudes of Dieting

For those of you who follow my blog regularly, you know that I am a big fan of Kim Bensen. She has an awesome website, kimbensen.com, that is just filled to the brim with information to help us all learn healthier eating habits. That is where I got my information for my Bee Attitudes. There are just 5 simple ones to follow. 1. Bee Motivated. This is usually pretty easy for me, especially when I look at the pictures I posted last week, that says it all. I also have clothes I am wearing now that I couldn't wear before and I have clothes that I am waiting to get into. 2. Bee a Planner. This is not one of the ones I follow too closely. I hate to cook so I know that I am going to have to change my thinking and starting planning that more, it is coming off pretty easy now, but soon, it will require more planning. 3. Bee Busy. This one is a definite attitude to adopt. I know that when I am sitting at home with nothing to do, I want to eat. That is what I have always done and those habits are hard to break. 4. Bee Active. This is another important attitude. Exercise is good for you all the way around and while the weight will come off, it will happen quicker with regular exercise. 5. Set small goals...See how healthy you can Bee. With all my previous attempts to dieting, I always set my standards and goals too high, making it unattainable for me and then I would get discouraged and give up. Now I set small goals for myself and it is really helping. When I lost 25 pounds, I went and had my hair highlighted, when I hit my 10%, my some gave me a charm for my watch that he had made me for Christmas. When I hit my 50 well, it is going to be a new hair color and possible something a little radical, I am not sure yet, but it will definitely be fun.
So this week, I had a minor setback, I gained 2 1/4 pounds and while I wonder if I will ever hit the big 50, I know that is is all attainable.
So until next week, I hope to gain nothing but knowledge and lose nothing but weight.

6 months on it

This week I am going to talk about my pictures. Our TOPS group has to have our pictures taken every six months and my goal was to have 50 pounds off. I didn't make it. This is okay, because just looking at the comparison you can see as well as I, that I am making a dent in the process of getting it off. I have lost 48 3/4 pounds and it is okay, I will get to the 50 pound mark soon.

It really is amazing to me that I am looking different. I don't see it when I look in the mirror. My mind has a whole different image of what I look like. However, when you see the pictures well I can't really deny it now can I?

I think that becoming the leader of my group is a big help for me, and I think I am the right person for this job. This will keep me motivated to try and get the weight off so that the members of the group can see that I am serious about this and if I can stay with it, then hopefully they will realize that I am there for them too.

That is a new thing I am going through right now, I feel so much for the members (seeing that they are all mostly family) and I want them to do well, but what can I do when they are having a tough time? What can I say that will help or motivate them? I realize that no one can do it for any of us, but I wish I had the magic words or the right combination to help someone.

While I am thrilled with the weight loss I am experiencing and I do wonder if I will be an effective leader. I guess anyone who takes on this type of responsibility will feel this way, I just hope I can break through to someone and help them as I have been helped. Isn't that what weight loss is about? You need to have a strong support system and while I ma lucky and have that, I want to be able to do that for others.

This is alot for me to think about and I had no clue that this is where I would be heading with this week's post, but it seems lately the my posts kind of take on a life of their own.

This week's weight loss was 1/4 pound. I am pleased, it is still on the down slope. so until next week, I hope to gain nothing but knowledge and lose nothing but weight.

I think I can, I think I can

I have been thinking about what to write about this week. Sometimes it is hard to think about something to write. Well, I am thinking about the little engine that could.

This actually all started this morning when I was talking to one of my co-workers. First off, let me say that I lost 3 1/4 pounds this week making my grand total of 48 1/2 pounds. That is an amazing feat for anyone and I am thrilled but I need to lose 1 1/2 pounds to hit that 50 pound mark. We (the majority of my TOPS group) has to have our pictures taken for our 6 month weight loss. Our chapter takes pictures every six months. My six months was up last week, but because it is easier, the pictures are being taken at the end of April. I want so much to have 50 pounds off by then.

Now back to the co-worker, I was happy that I lost 3 1/4 pounds this week, and she said that I should be able to get this last 1 1/2 pounds off for next week. My response was "Well I hope so, but I have had three weeks of losing so I don't think it is going to happen." Her response back to me was to quit thinking that way, I have to start believing it will happen. After she left I really started thinking about that.

Those of us who struggle with weight loss are so quick to put ourselves down. We don't celebrate the victories, no matter how big or small they are. Even if we lose 1/4 of a pound that is a victory. When we do something that is worthy of recognition we still put ourselves down. Instead of thinking that I will lose the weight I need to reach my goal, I put myself down to an extent. If I cannot be proud of my small steps how can I go on and be successful? I am going to try hard to work on that. The next time I lose 1 pound I am not going to say I only lost 1 pound, it could have been better, I am going to try and be excited about what I did do.

If I didn't have bad eating habits and low self esteem then I wouldn't be where I am at, so I am going to work on trying to get a new self image. It is always one day at a time.

I would also like to add that all the members at TOPS had a weight loss, and I don't think this has happened since the first week of our weigh in. I, of course, seem to think it is because of my amazing ability as the leader, or maybe it was because we all started group prayer twice weekly and maybe God helped us, or maybe we are all trying a little harder. No matter what the case, I am so proud of everyone in my group. We are all going through this and though we all have different struggles and problems, we are hanging in there and making differences in our lives that will make a difference in the long run.

So instead of I think I can, I think I can, like the end of that much loved story from childhood...I know I can, I know I can.

So until next week, I WILL gain nothing but knowledge and lose nothing but weight.

Is it really cheaper to diet?

This week, I was thinking about the costs that are related to dieting. One of the reasons I hear people give for not following a diet is that it is too expensive. I think I have used that excuse a time or two in the past. Until I was ready to lose weight and really focus on getting it off I found all the excuses out there not to follow a healthy eating plan, and believe me whatever excuse has been given, I have used it.

So, is it really more expensive to eat healthy? Here is what I have figured out, yes, you do have to put a little money into eating healthy. Fresh fruits and vegetables are usually affordable if you like what is in season. However, I am a picky eater so I have to spend a little more for what I want. It seems that the food industry makes it so easy for us to be overweight. It costs lees to buy junk food. When eating at restaurants you usually can save money buying the value meals and if you try and purchase a healthy meal you have to separate out and pay individual costs on these items. If you are like me then you need a diet group of some sort to help out with keep you accountable. While I have found that TOPS is the cheapest way to go, there is still a cost factor involved in this. You have to pay a fee to join and then you need to renew your membership every year. There are monthly fees to pay and there are fees to pay if you gain weight or don't do some of the other established rules that the chapter has set up. While these costs are minimal they are still adding up. There are other weight loss groups to join but they cost more money than TOPS. Then there is the exercise factor. If you are serious about losing weight then you look into buying gym equipment or joining a gym. The initial cost to this is expensive. Yes, there are things you can do the don't cost money like walking, but even if you have to go somewhere to walk because of weather conditions or living environment you are still driving to get there. This may sound like it costs alot to do this, but think about the cost if you are not dieting.

Here is a perfect example. I ordered a shirt and jacket from my job with my job's logo on the clothes. While I personally thought the cost was a little high for me, I went ahead and did it because I really wanted them. The order form said to add $2 for any size over XL. No problem, I usually have to pay more for clothes so I added the money to my total. Well it came to my attention that I had not paid enough money that I had to pay $2 per size over XL. Wow, I am paying more money for this stuff. It got me thinking as to how much I was paying for not being healthy and being overweight. Obviously, there is the cost of clothes, it does make sense because they are using more material to make it so it should cost more. Now, I am thinking about the food. Before I started dieting, I could eat a large pizza in one setting. I could do this two to three times a week. When I would buy potato chips I would eat the whole bag in one setting. I could go through a 12 pack of soda in a day's time and sometimes I did. But now because of portion control, I buy a 24 pack of water for $3.99 (that is a deal in itself) but this will last me about three or four days. If I buy a bag of Baked Lay's it may cost me like $4.29 for a bag but it will last me a week or more. I don't buy large pizzas anymore, even when I am binging, I will buy 7 inch or if I am feeling really "piggy" 13 inch, but that is happening less and less.

Then there is the health costs, bring unhealthy and overweight will cause me to go to the doctor's more often, the medicines will be more forthcoming and hospital visits are much more common. While I am shedding this unwanted weight, I am still going to the doctor's more than I would like but I am starting to get healthier (or at least I hope I am), the doctor's visits I hope will come less often as I become "less" of a woman.

This week's weigh in went rather well, I lost 4 1/2 pounds. That puts my total to 45 1/4 pounds. Less than 5 pounds to go to hit the big 50.

So until next time I hope to lose nothing but weight (4 3/4 would be nice) and gain nothing but knowledge.

The Battle of the Bulge

Well I have my ups and my downs, but I think that this is what it is all about. Actually if you think about it that is the way life is. Nothing ever stays the same and it is true with losing weight.
What can I say? Did I have a good week or a bad week? Do I base what kind of week I will have on how I do at the scales? Okay, yeah, I kinda do, but this past week was different. I did well at the scales this week. 4 3/4 pounds off this week. That is good. I had my first program as leader for TOPS this week, that is good. It was an Easter based program and I thought it was cute and interesting. Go check out the 8 worst Easter candy for you to eat in a Newsweek article. I found that to be very interesting since I love, love, love peeps but found that they are not that good for you; however they are the best in the list that is given.
All in all it should have been a good week, but I am sick which seems to be at this time a recurring theme in my life. So, being sick makes it a bad week for me. I have not been able to exercise as much as I would have liked-- that's bad. I have found that a part of being successful in weight loss one should have activities to fall back on and people they can turn to or hangout with. I haven't been able to do anything except work and then I am home, exhausted. That is bad. I actually had to ask my son to spend time with me because I just didn't feel well enough to be home alone. With my son being a typical driving teenager you can only imagine what a hardship that was for him, so that was bad.
Where am I going with all this? I guess what I am trying to get at is that it was neither a great or bad week but I lost weight. I attribute part of this to being sick, I wish I could get to the point that I can stay completely on program without all the struggles, the temptations. But if I could do that then I probably wouldn't be overweight in the first place.
So, until next week I hope to gain nothing but knowledge and LOSE nothing but weight.

Vacation is over and it is time to take it up a notch

While being on vacation last week, I thought I had done pretty well. I went to gym several times and got in about 4 hours of exercising. I had thought I had done okay with eating, but then I went in to get weighed on Monday and I gained 4 1/2 pounds.

I could have been upset but I wasn't. I did realize that after my 9 pound gain I went on an eating binge that lasted a week and then when I sat down and looked at my week last week, I really didn't do so great. There were two days (guess which two) where I wrote down what I ate but I didn't figure out the calories or points for these items and there were three days in which I didn't get all of my water in. One of those days I didn't drink any water at all.

I know what mistakes I made and I need to step up to the plate and take responsibility for my actions. It is time for me to start getting my act together and try harder.

If I am supposed to be leading my TOPS group then I have to at least live by the same rules and standards that I am trying to pass off onto them. If I can't do that, then what kind of leader does that make me? I know that I am not responsible for anyone else's weight loss but my own, however if I can be an inspiration to anyone then I need to be trying harder.

I am a little off track, this is Wednesday and even though I am still on the plan, I have used quite a few of my weekly points allotted to me and the week has just begun. I am certain that this new month will be a better one for me than the last couple of months.

I will triumph and I will beat this no matter how long it takes.

So until next week, I hope to gain nothing but knowledge and lose nothing but weight.

Vacations are not great for dieting

So, I am on vacation this week. While that is a pleasant thought for my mind and believe me it is, it does not fair well for my diet.

Last week, I gained 9 pounds and even though I knew it was probably from being sick and my meds were messed up it still did not do anything for me mentally.

I lost 5 1/2 pounds this week. That is good and bad. I did not eat well last week.

While I have been on vacation this week I have made it to the gym everyday this week. I have been there at lease 1 1/2 hours everyday. My eating habits have been good so far this week, except for yesterday when my son got his driver's license and decided to drive on his own in my car and have problems with my car. While this is certainly not his fault, it could have happened to me--I don't handle stress very well, and given the fact that I am stuck home all day today until I can have someone look at my car, well the eating has not gone well.

I am hoping to still make it to the gym tonight and at least finish this week out with consistent exercise.

So, while I am trying to work on my eating habits this week, I will follow through on my plan to exercise.

There really is not much else to report because I am still on vacation and there is still plenty I can do, so until next week, I hope to gain nothing but knowledge and lose nothing but weight.

The Worst Setback Yet

This past week has been the worst one yet for me, and I don't even really feel like posting this week, but I am all about discipline in my life and this is one of them.
I had a fairly good diet and exercise week. I ate fairly well, I had one bad eating day, but I did get in seven days of movement, whether it was as simple as one day I only walked 10 minutes to 2 hours walking and swimming.
I knew I was going to have some setback because nature plays tricks on your body and will cause you to retain water, so I knew I would probably have a gain this week. What I didn't expect is a 9 pound gain. That was a blow to me.
Needless to say, I was upset and decided to give up, but that is not an option, for lo and behold and I am the new leader for TOPS for the 2009 year.
I have a new obstacle to face and conquer in the next couple weeks. I take over the leadership position in April and I have to be able to motivate my group even if I have a bad weigh in. I need to learn to quit depending on what the scales say, but this is proving to be a very difficult task.
I think that being leader will be a good thing for me in my journey to a healthier life, knowing that I need to be accountable to this group of people and motivate them and help them means that I have to learn how to do this. I am excited about this new step I am about to encounter and I pray that I will be the person that this group needs.
So, until next week I hope to lose nothing but weight and gain nothing but knowledge.

Still Going Strong!

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What a great week I have had! I am beginning Week 23 and all is well at the moment. I lost 4 pounds this past week and that just thrills me. I am up to 44 pounds.

The only thing I can say is that exercise played a big part in my week. I went to the gym more often this past week, and I also did some extensive cleaning on Saturday! (I had water heater problems) With all the stresses I have had to deal with over the last week, I still managed to keep the weight off. I got to start a new diet journal this week, this is my third one since I started with TOPS and this is a different journal and so far I am very impressed with it; it has only been a couple of days but believe it or not having the right journal makes a big difference in having a successful diet. I have come to depend on my journal. Even if I have bad eating days, I still write it in my journal. I am also noticing that I keep referring back to my older journal for some things, and I look at particular good eating days and repeat those when things are feeling a little tough for me.

Slowly, Slowly, I am learning, and I am thankful for that because I am making small changes that are sticking!

Well, until next week I hope to lose nothing but weight and gain nothing but knowledge!

The Word of the Week--EXERCISE!

Boy this image says it all. March is here and that means spring is on it's way. Maybe that means I should have more spring in my step.

For the past two weeks, I have stayed the same at the scales. That should be an accomplishment, and it is not a gain but really, it is not an accomplishment.

I have been being lazy, I haven't been very disciplined in my eating habits, and only exercising four times in February, well that is not what I need to be doing.

Since I have started exercising, I need to keep it up. I am noticing that I have more energy and that I can do more than I was able to do before. Well, the first of March I went to the gym and I went on the 2nd as well. Last night I had prior commitments but I did walk for 15 minutes and then today, I got more exercise in for an hour by working at the front desk at the library, I plan on going to the gym tonight and hopefully will get in a little time the rest of this week.

I am back on track, I am once again motivated. We have our officer elections in a couple weeks and I would really like to be the leader for the next year. I think that I need this to be a positive role model for the other group members but it also means I will have to try harder.

With that in mind, let's take a minute to mention Girl Scout Cookies. Oh, they are so good, and I got mine yesterday and am happy to say that they are in the freezer untouched. I am thinking that possibly tonight I will be able to split them into manageable portion sizes and then I will be able to enjoy them. Small steps, that is how I am getting through this.

So, hopefully weigh in will be a good one next week, I stayed the same again so I am still at a forty pound weight loss.

Well, my dear friends and supporters another week has passed so until next week, I hope to lose nothing but weight and gain nothing but knowledge.

Hooray! February is almost over

The title says it all. You know for February being such a short month, it has not done well by me at the scales.

I guess I should always feel better when the scales show a loss rather than a gain. I am in charge of figuring out who has lost the most weight for the month in our group and I was sure it was going to be me. I was the best weekly loser for two weeks out of this past month, but I wasn't the best loser for the month.

I only lost 1 pound for the entire month. This is not a bad thing, I am seeing other differences; my clothes are fitting me better; and my overall attitude has improved. (I think) Last month I lost 13 pounds, so when I see that I only lost 1 pound for the month of February, well I am a little saddened by this. Not to fear, I will only look at this past month and see where I made mistakes and correct them.

I went out to eat more than I should have and I only got 4 days of exercise of 20 minutes or more for the day from February 1st until today. I know that a person of my size can lose weight without exercising, but I still like to eat and if I want to continue to eat then I need to exercise. I can't have it both ways.

I am going to kick it into high gear this week. My sister blew me out of the water this past week, she lost nearly 7 pounds for the week, while I maintained my present weight.

I love competition, so this has motivated me to fix what has not been working for me.

This week, I will make good choices, I will control my emotions and not let me emotions control me. My excess poundage IS there for all the world to see, but they are seeing forty pounds less of it:)

So, until next week, I hope to gain nothing but knowledge and lose nothing but weight.

160 Sticks of Butter

This week I would like to talk about visualization. To be able to visualize something is a wonderful thing. There is this picture of me with my sister that I am very pleased with. I was not at my thinnest by a long shot, but I thought I looked good and I was happy. I need to lose about 50 more pounds to look like that again, so this is my picture that I look at. Once I get there then I will concentrate on a different visual aid.

The other picture is what losing 26 pounds of butter would look like. This is 104 sticks of butter.

When you look at things in this perspective it has to look impressive. I have lost this many sticks of butter and then another 56 sticks.

This diet is still difficult at times, I would love to say that I have this mastered but I don't think I will ever truly have this mastered. I will always have an eating problem and right now it has it's ups and downs.

Obviously, this week is more of an up for me because I had a loss this week. I know I shouldn't be dependant on the scales as I am, and I think most people in my situation are in the same boat as I am.

Maybe as time goes on, I will be less dependant and my moods won't be tied so heavily to what the scales say.

As always, I am learning things about my self and usually in very small doses, but little steps means that the changes have a better shot of staying in place.

Week 19 is starting for me and I have lost 40 pounds in 18 weeks. That is simply amazing to me. I have never thought I could do this but here I am proving myself wrong.

So, until next time, I hope to lose nothing but weight and gain nothing but knowledge.

Times are feelin tough

Well, this has been a tough week for me. I don't know if it is the weather, or that I am sick as usual, or if I am a bit depressed, or that I am just an addict that is looking to blame my problems on someone other than me.

I am thinking that maybe all the above situations apply to me in some form or another. Have you heard the saying when it rains it pours? Well, of course we all have, and it has in my little neck of the woods.

I have been crazy busy with work all day and then I get home and take my son to driving school most evenings and then I pick him up. Last week the only time I spent at my house was to sleep. I have two weeks worth of laundry that I am slowly trying to catch up on, and my schedule is just as busy this week too. But wait, there's more. My son is sick, he has an infection that the doctor seems to think I passed on to him, and I have my infection that antibiotics isn't fighting.

So, this happens to the best of us, I know, but my eating habits is tied to my feelings and I am a food addict. That is just as bad as being into drugs or alcohol. Last week, I started making excuses as to why I shouldn't have to keep following the diet plan. I was blaming everyone else in my diet group for not following, so why should I?

Crazy, huh? I am the one that needs to lose MY weight and no one else can do it for me so whether they are doing something or not (and I don't really know if they are) should not hinder my progress.

Every once in awhile I get to feeling this way and all the things that are not good for me is what I want. This attitude is not just in my eating habits in is in every aspect of my life right now.

So while I am on here whining about my problems, all is not lost. I have a couple of friends who are talking to me to help me through this.

Thanks to them, I am slowly getting back on track, I am staying on my diet this week, but it is a chore. Sometimes, that is just the way it is.

So, progress report...I gained 1 1/2 pounds this week, not too bad considering what I am going through. Let's hope that next week I will be in a different frame of mind or this will be one pathetic blog for you all to read.

So until next time, I hope to gain nothing but knowledge and lose nothing but weight.

Can you guess the meaning of the picture?

Once again I have had a good week. I am beginning week 17 of my lifestyle change and it seems to be getting easier.

I have been thinking about what my present struggles are and I have two concerns.

The first one is my eating habits. While it seems I must be doing something right and yes, I am;

I am still having problems with overeating at times. Example 1 (and keep in mind it is usually on weekends) I went to dinner last Friday night and I was so hungry I could hardly see straight, I had planned on going out to dinner that wasn't my problem, the problem was the hunger. I had chips and salsa and when I go to dinner at this place, I can always control how much I eat, but I was shoveling in the chips and then when my dinner came, I ate all of it even though I was full from all the chips. I did not fare well that evening, I got sick and there was a waste of dinner. I did the same thing on Sunday, I ate too much. This time I ate until I was uncomfortable but not sick. I know that this is a problem and I have to change this. I am still trying to figure out how.

My second concern, is that I bought some new clothes and am buying them in smaller sizes even though I don't feel comfortable doing it. I cannot see myself any thinner, even though I can look at pictures and see it, I can't get it in my head that one day I will be wearing smaller clothes. I am down a size for the most part, I am sort of in that in-between stage, where the one size fits and is a little loose but the next size smaller while it fits, it is a little snug.

I wonder if I will ever see myself as thin. I have always been this size all my adult life and I still think of myself as being the weight I was when I started.

So, I have lost a total of 39 pounds. It has only been 16 weeks. I feel like in is in my grasp to get to the 50 pound mark by the end of February, but I will not put any undue stress on myself, it will happen, and it will happen soon.

So until next week...I hope to gain nothing but knowledge and lose nothing but weight.

The Power of 10 %

Boy do I have alot to celebrate this week! I did it, I finally hit my 10 percent weight loss. After last week's post I decided to try harder and I cried for awhile at first, but then I re-evaluated and kicked it up a notch. I also decided that as much as I would love to hit my 10 percent by the end of January, I would quit stressing out over it. I knew it would happen. So I lost 6 3/4 pounds this week, hitting my goal by the date set and just making it. I needed to lose a total of 37 pounds and I have lost 37 pounds. I am starting week 16 and it feels good this week.

I am going to post 2 pictures this week, the first one being my before picture that was taken in October when I first started TOPS and the second being last night when I hit my 10 percent.

There are other things happening for our TOPS group. Even though the official word hasn't come to us yet, it looks as if my 14 year old niece is the 4th overall best loser in her weight division for 2008. Keep in mind, that we didn't start our chapter until October 13, and she was competing with others that had been doing this from all of 2008. While I don't know for sure yet, our chapter has placed first in 44 counties with most weight loss per member and they are checking to see if we won for the state. We were going to disband our group and start going to a different chapter but after hearing results such as these we are going to keep plugging away at it. We must be doing something right!

So while I am here tooting my own horn, I need to express that I couldn't do this without my TOPS group, we are all doing it! So, thanks to all the members, thanks to all my friends and until next week, I hope to lose nothing but weight and gain nothing but knowledge.

Disappointment is settling in

I have to ask myself this question...Why is it it that last week looked so promising and I was so full of optimism and hope and felt I would do this and then this week I feel so discouraged? Why do people put so much emphasis on the scales? I know that if I don't do as well as I would like at the scales then I am disappointed and even mad and wanting to give up.

That would be so easy, to just give up; however that would also be what people have seen from me in the past and wouldn't be a bit surprised if I gave up. My weigh in this past week netted me a gain of 2 pounds. That is now 6 1/4 pounds to lose to hit my 10% weight loss and I don't see myself reaching that goal by the end of January. That is another thing, I keep setting goals for myself and I feel they are attainable but I never seem to get to my goal by the time I set, it always comes like a week or two after my deadline. Maybe I should quit setting goals for myself because honestly that is what has me down the most this week.

My week went fairly well last week, I had 6 days where I stayed within my point range; but if I am being honest and really I should be, I had three days where I didn't eat as well as I should. I did go to the gym last week and I got all my water in, and journaled the entire week.

I know you are all saying that this is a minor set back, and yes, I know it could be worse but it is hard. The one GREAT thing that happened this week is that Kim Bensen left a comment on one of my blog entries and she is a follower of my blog. That is super awesome, because she is the one person I want to meet when this is all said and done. I love my dear friends and family and you are great supporters but to actually have heard back from Kim Bensen is like getting to meet someone famous.

This post is a hard one for me to write, I want to just shrink into the background and pretend I don't feel bad, but I started this and I have to finish it.

So until next time, I hope to lose nothing but weight and gain nothing but knowledge.

The Excitement is Building

What a great week this has been. After reading Kim Bensen's book last week, and getting motivated once again, the week went well for me. I had a good diet week. I stayed in my food plan, I did not use any of my extra points allotted to me, I drank all of my water, and I journaled all week. I did not go to the gym this past week, but I am planning on it this week.

I feel like I have a new lease on life right now, I just can't explain it. I want to keep trying harder. I am so close to my next goal that I want to see it happen now; but I know that I can't force it, it will happen.

I only have 4 3/4 pounds to lose to hit my 10% percent weight loss. Once I hit that mark, this is when I should see noticeable changes. I have noticed small things like my seat belt fits better, and that I have a little more energy than I have had. More and more people are noticing the weight loss especially in my face. My measurements are getting better. I have been asked by people if clothes are fitting me any differently, and I think that some of them are but I am not sure yet. I have not tried on anything different yet, I am not ready to try that. I don't want to face the disappointment of not getting into something that I haven't been able to wear.

I went to my meeting this week and I am very pleased to inform all my wonderful friends that I have lost 3 3/4 pounds this week. That makes my grand total 32 1/4 pounds in 14 weeks. I also am currently winning the Tax Time Contest we are having right now, but I am also pleased to report that the other members of my group are finally starting to show me a little competition. I want to see them all succeed too, after all they are my family.

My goal is to hit my 10% by the end of January, I feel that I can do this, and once this is done, I will start planning for my next mini goal.

So, until next time, I hope to lose nothing but weight, and gain nothing but knowledge.

My time to Shine in 2009

Here it is, 2009, this is the time I usually make all my New Year's Resolutions and then break them in less than a month.
We started a new contest at TOPS, it is the tax time contest, the goal is: Are we going to have enough deductions to earn a refund or are we going to end up owing? We are using fake money and if you lose weight, drink 6-8 glasses of water, keep a complete food journal, and call a member to encourage them you will receive money. If you gain weight or don't complete your food journal you will have to pay money. The earning potential is great! This contest will last through April 13, 2009.
Well, I have to say that the end of 2008 was not great for me. I fell off the wagon for a couple weeks, it was kind of scary, I wasn't eating right, I wasn't getting my water in, I wasn't journaling, and I wasn't exercising. This can be bad for those of us who are trying to learn new habits. I almost lost my motivation, but then I found a new inspiration.
There is a book that was just published and came out on December 30, called "Finally Thin" by Kim Bensen. Kim has lost over 200 pounds following Weight Watchers and she has kept it off for over 2 years. In 1997, I found Kim's success story on Weight Watchers online and printed it out, she was an inspiration to me. So when this book comes into the library and someone points it to my attention, I realize that this is the same person that I had the success story on, and now I could read what she had to say about this. I am in the middle of reading her book and I will be buying a copy of it. I just finished reading her struggles about her weight and everything embarrassing and all her health issues and it is almost like I could have been writing that same exact story. I realized then that if she can do it, I know I can. It was the motivation I needed to get back on the wagon before I caused to much damage.
I went for my weigh in this week, and I lost 4 1/2 pounds, which brings my total to 28 1/2 pounds in thirteen weeks.
I encourage anyone who is struggling to read Kim's story, it is what got me back on track.
So until next week, I hope to lose nothing but weight and gain nothing but knowledge.