Good Choices Vs Bad Choices

I went to see a dietican on May 6th.  One of my many requirements for weight loss surgery.  I'm really struggling with this.  I want it, I want it bad but I sometimes can't follow through with "sticking to it."  My dietican told me to focus on the changes I have made.  To think about the reasons for doing this.  

First and foremost, I'm doing this for me.  I want to feel better, I want to be able to do more.  I am also doing this for my family.  My wonderful husband has taken care of me for years and he is not in the best health.  I want to get in better shape do that he doesn't have to keep pushing himself.  I want to see my beautiful grandchildren grow.  These beautiful little creations make me see true perfection.  

So now I must think about all the positive things that has happened.  Well first off I have lost 18 pounds and I go to get weighed next week.  My wedding ring doesn't fit, that's good and bad.  Some clothes are starting to look looser and some I  couldn't  fit into I am now wearing.  My blood sugar levels are near perfect and I'm almost off my insulin.  I'm a little more active but that is still hard for me.  There is so much that I have to be proud about, but I keep seeing the negative.  I'm still "binging" at times and that is something I need to stop doing, my surgery doesn't allow for that.  I need to learn healthy habits or I won't succeed with the surgery.  So what am I doing right?  I don't drink carbonated drinks at all.  I will drink iced tea or light lemonade at a restaraunt but besides that it's always water.  I have removed all junk food from my house, that helps my binges.  Even though I still have binges, I pick foods in the house.  That still doesn't mean I'm doing the right thing, I'm just not shoving chocolate or sugar down my throat. I was told to journal my experiences, my feelings.  Today was a binge day for me.  I started out okay.  I had a smoothie which had fresh spinach in it and my usual peanut butter toast.  I was still hungry after that so I ate a bag of popcorn.  Still not doing too bad but then I jump off the deep end.  I eat several lunchmeat sandwiches, several olives, some pickle spears and pretzels.  The problem with this is that I eat all of this so fast, it is like I've been deprived of food and I have to eat it all up or it will be taken away from me.  I don't  understand why I think that way because no one has ever done that to me.  I wonder if this has anything to do with a past trauma in my life.  I was at a healthy weight up until I turned 20.  My husband was in prison for having sex with a member of my family.  I was estranged from my family.  I had a 2 1/2 year old child.  My husband got out of prison and I promptly became pregnant, I had also gained about 40 pounds in a few months.  Food was my friend, it never left me or discriminated and it didn't hurt me.  Once I found out I was pregnant I miscarried at three months.  It was okay, I was sad but I had a beautiful healthy child, I was tring to keep my marriage on track.  My miscarriage was is September 1986.  My three year old daughter died in December 1986.  My husband and I split up in January 1987 and was divorced by June.  So much tragedy for a 20 year old and I turned to food.  I'm almost sure the link is there but I don't know how to deal with it, how to fix it.  I've been overweight more than I haven't.  How do I unlearn this?  27 years of bad eating choices.  Well that's the million dollar question.  I am going to be focusing on these very issues with a counselor and hopefully I can learn new habits.  So stay tuned folks, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.  

What am I doing?

I have decided to have bariatric surgery.  First off let me start by saying that I'm not choosing the easy way out.  This is so hard and there are so many things I have to do before iam even accepted.  

In January I decided it was time to follow through with WLS (weight loss surgery) and I would follow it no matter where it takes me.  In January of 2014 I went to a Weight Loss Seminar.  After that I had to fill out an application to be seen.  I went to my 1st meeting on February 19 and I talked to my program coordinator who told me what I would need to do to qualify for the surgery.  They took a battery of tests and then sent me to see a dietician.  The dietican wants me to lose 19 pounds in six months, stop drinking carbonated beverages, eat slowly, take small bites, eat 6 mini meal a day.  There was so much to take in that first day.  This is the day that is the beginning of the rest of my new life.  I have to see my primary care physician once a month for the official weigh in.  My first weigh in has been a great one.  I've lost 16.8 pounds my first month.  

I have to see a psychologist who has to give me the final okay to move towards surgery.  When I went to see him the main thing I got out of it is to not binge eat.

I have had to see a cardiologist who sent me for a stress test and echocardiogram.  I passed both tests.  

I have had to see a pulmonary doctor and have a lung function test.  I am still waiting in results.  

I have had to have an endoscopy and the found problems so I was sent in for an upper GI.  The tests came back okay for that.

So far I am healthy enough to have the surgery.  

Now back to the psychologist, he wants me going to education classes which is something I can't afford.  I live 2 1/2 hours from the hospital, the classes were going to have to be paid for out of pocket.  I live on a very limited income.  There is no extra money for anything.  So, they said I can see a dietican in Zanesville and have counseling with my counselor who had WLS and was three years out.  Everything is looking up for me.

It seems that this all sounds easy, right?  Wrong...Besides these appointments I have kegs throw in all the other appointments I have.  My doctor, my optimalogist, my neurologist, my rheumatologist, my dermatologist, my psychiatrist (who is different from the WLS psychologist) and my counselor.  

There was a day a couple weeks ago that I had a meltdown.  I was confusing dr appt times and dates.  I had a different appointment everyday of the week.  I was done, I felt it just wasn't worth it.  That only lasted a day and then my mom suggested I blog my experience.  So here it is.

I will be writing more and might have more than one entry on the same say but I have different topics to talk about.  

2009? This is the last time I posted?

I can't believe it was back in 2009 when I was involved with wanting to lose weight.  So much has happened since then and now I want to get caught back up on my blog.  My blog title Dieters Woes seems aptly appropriate even more so now.  Five years and I still struggle on a daily basis.  5 years and I have weighed more than I ever have.  5 years and I have developed so many health issues.  Are you noticing a theme here?  It is 5 years later and I am worse off than I was then.  If only I hadn't given up, if only..,

Here I am, April 26, 2014.  I have many good things in my life.  I'm happily married to my wonderful husband, David. I have just become a grandma to twins, and my son seems to be happy and is making a life for himself.  While I must admit, my financial situation is no where near as good as it was in 2009, I have a home to live in and we are able to pay our bills.

I found out in 2013 that I was going to be a grandma to twins.  I am having health issues, morbid obesity, diabetes, sleep apnea, high blood pressure, high cholesterol.  My husband is not in very good health and he has been my caretaker.  I want to change my life.  I am 47 years old.  I decided that beginning January 2014 I would look into weight loss surgery.  I promised myself I would follow this through no matter what.  So this is my new journey, my new story.  The story leading up to my Gastic Bypass surgery.

So join me in my triumphs and failures, my feelings, good and bad.  

Thank you, to my son for giving me a reason to want to make this change and to my mother fir telling me to journal it again.

Welcome to my new life story.  

Destiny, Downsizing, Depression, Despair

Hey everyone, I didn't post last week, but that is okay, we didn't have our downsizing group because we meet in a church and they had Vacation Bible School. I am not sure if you all will want to read my post right now anyways. I try to remain optimistic but darn it sometimes it is hard to be that way.

It is no surprise that I am struggling with my weight. I am not gaining alot but I am not losing alot right now either.

My title that I gave my post this week is making me think. Destiny...what is my destiny? Does anyone know and if they could would they really want to? Sometimes I wonder what my future holds, but I don't dwell on it. I keep thinking that if I turn more towards God then my destiny and reward will be when my life is over here on earth. While that is a great thought, what must I go through until I get to that point? It is hard to turn to God right now, my faith is teetering, which is causing my depression and subsequent feelings of despair. You are probably telling me to suck it up, get over yourself, quit having a pity party for yourself.

I am not feeling these feelings just because I am having a bad day or something isn't going my way. I feel this way because of my medical problems. I am so tired of feeling this way, I have this condition which is embarrassing, demoralizing, and when it is at it's worst is so painful that I can hardly cope. I am at my wit's end, and I am turning wherever I can to find help. I realize I am not alone, I have read many other testimonies about people suffering with the same issues as me and with the same experiences. While it helps to know I am not alone, I don't wish this on anyone. I am trying a new thing soon, I am going with the herbal route. At this point nothing can hurt and from what I am researching, this seems to be helping people in my situation.

Right at this particular point I can't even exercise, normally I am told to stay out of the water, but right now things are so bad that exercise is not advisable. I used to hope to hear those words before but now, I miss not being able to go to the gym.

Downsizing...this can be good or bad. Bad if you are facing this in your job, and while I still have my job and am very fortunate to have it, we are expected to pick up more and help out more because we are short staffed. I have the desire, I am not sure I have the optimum health. Downsizing to lose weight is a good thing, and I am pleased to say that I lost a pound this week.

I am trying harder this week, I am keeping to stricter eating patterns, since I am not exercising.

It will come off one day at a time.

So, enough of my whining, I will be okay. Psalms 28:7 says the Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.

I am reading this over and over and over and if I believe so shall it be.

Until next week...Gaining should be done only in my knowledge and Losing is the weight I hope to achieve.

Finally a name has been chosen

So, we are now called the Downsizers...
Usually that name has a negative sound, but in this case it is a good thing.
Where do I start this week? I have so much on my mind, so much that is bothering me. I gained four pounds this week, I guess it shouldn't surprise me, I had not been following my food plan and even though I made it to the gym three times last week, it just wasn't enough to ward off the gain.
I am thinking alot about self image and self esteem. I am finding out that reading about people who have lost 100 pounds or more is such a motivation to me. These people inspire me and if they can do then surely I can do it right? Kim Bensen will remain my true source of inspiration, she cares...as I am sure all the people who have lost significant amounts of weight do. Being this overweight makes us want to compensate in other areas, so that is why we seem happy, or "jolly". I know we all care about others in situations like our own, we have lived this life, we go through things that "thin" people don't go through. I have a new source of "mini" inspiration right now. Ruby Gettinger, she has a reality television show on the Style network. I do not have cable, so I just found out about her because Season 1 of her DVD just became available and I watched it and she is amazing. However as great as I think she is, her story doesn't help with what I am dealing with right now.
My mom has just lost a very dear friend, to a very unexpected and tragic death. This woman came into my mom's life when my mom needed someone to understand and motivate her. My mom is an amazing mother, she has always been there for everyone, and her kids are no exception. She has always wanted the best for us and has tried very hard to provide for us, but it was hard when she didn't have a high school education. I think her kids turned out okay, she pushed us all to finish high school and we did. I went to college and graduated and my sister went to cosmetology school; however has chosen a different path to follow, and my brother is a self taught computer whiz. My mom's dream was to get her GED and she finally decided to do it and that is where she met this new friend. She had a deep impact on my mom's life and has found out with the passing of her friend that my mom had an impact on her life as well. This friend of my mom's was a wonderful, talented, extremely intelligent person, who did not feel worthy. She did not think she deserved to have anything good in her life, nor did she feel she was special in any way. She was an overweight woman, and I am sure that is how she saw herself, but those who knew her and cared for her didn't see that. What a tragedy that this woman did not see herself as her friends and family saw her.
My point to all this...this is how I have been looking at my life. I do not feel worthy of anything. My self worth is based on my weight and appearance. Much like my mom's friend, I have family and friends who love me and support me. I just haven't seen it until now. I haven't taken the time to tell everyone that you mean the world to me, and I know that I mean something to all of you. I need to be more mindful of that as I keep on with this. I may have my struggles and trust me I am having them, but I know how many people in my life is rooting for me and supporting me. I don't have to be told this everyday, I know. I just sometimes get side tracked.
I know that you all will still feel the same way about me now as when I get the weight off. For this, I am so blessed.
There are so many other things running through my mind right now, but I am going to sit and contemplate them before writing about it. Just know that I am on track, my diet is going good this week, I am going to try and start walking around the track at the gym, and when I can't do the water classes I will still be able to get in a different type of exercise.
Until next week, I hope to lose nothing but weight and gain nothing but knowledge.

Dealing with illness

Well, I didn't post last week, and inquiring minds will probably want to know that I gained 7 1/2 pounds. This is crazy...I am down 13 pounds and then up 7 1/2...
I went to the doctor's office last Tuesday (June 30) because of my ever present and ever popular infection.
The reason it is so popular is because it wants to hang around in my body all the time. Who knew my body would be such a popular place? Okay, well, for those of you who know my past, keep the jokes to yourself (he-he).
It seems I always have this infection going on but at times it is manageable, well this time it wasn't. I had to have some outpatient surgery and was put on antibiotics and was out of commission from the 30th until the 7th of July. In that time I had a second outpatient surgery and I am now getting back into the swing of things, even though I am still feeling a bit under the weather.
So, with this latest infection, I have been mostly bed-ridden which will wreak havoc on a diet and I wasn't able to go to the gym at all, and was told not to go this week either.
So, AMA(against medical advice), I went to the pool on Tuesday, probably not my smartest move but then I am only of average intelligence so...
What I have to convey is that I have missed going to the gym, I really felt as if I needed to go. Is that some kind of attitude shift I am feeling? I did go to get weighed this past week, and left right after weigh in, I was still that sick. I lost 1 pound, which is good, but how it happened, I couldn't tell you. I am trying to get into the exercise mode again, I am going to the gym again tonight, but I am still feeling a little under the weather. This is probably why the doctor told me to take another week off.
The eating is not going to great this week, I am just struggling. I do that, especially when I don't feel good , it is hard for me to keep to my diet plan, because trust me it takes work to maintain it, and i feel like I don't have the energy. I know that this is an excuse, I kind of feel I have been making alot of them lately, but I am still not giving up.
Part of me felt as if I didn't want to blog again this week, but this does help keep me accountable, so here it is.
I hope to have a better report for you next week, so until then I hope to lose nothing but weight and gain nothing but knowledge.

I'm not a whale anymore

Well, this week was our first weigh in for our new group. I am not a Whale anymore, the members of the group were upset because it gave a negative image of our group. I can see it but I did like what it stood for, and I thought it was funny. However not everyone shares my sense of humor and to be politically correct I really don't wish to offend anyone, so with that in mind...Who are we?

I don't know, there was some discussion on it, but nothing ever came about. I did come up with a name for the group, I like it, it doesn't offend and it sort of has a double meaning, I will throw it out to the group next week and if it is voted in, then I will let you know the name next week.

This week's meeting, while I enjoyed the meeting, there is some struggling going on with the other members. It seems as if some of the members are having a hard time getting motivated. What to do, what to do? I wish I had the answers for them but plain and simply I think each person has to find it within themselves to find the motivation. I personally just needed a jump start to weight loss again, I admit I lost my motivation and put about 16 pounds on from where I was at. I thought about the quote all of last week from the Kung Fu Panda movie, and it is still sticking with me.

We had to set a goal last night and we will continue to set monthly goals which are attainable. If I do not reach my goal I must pay a fine at the end of the month. I thought long and hard about it and I decided to exercise three days per week for at least thirty minutes. I can usually make it twice a week because of a class, but I can not make it more than that for whatever the reason, so I am challenging myself to do this.

I am back on track and this week's weigh in was a good one. I lost a whopping 13 pounds! Can you believe it? I knew I would do okay, but I never thought it would be this good, this is a great feeling for me.

So now I am going to close this week with a different thought, one that is very important and crucial in this time in my life:

SAVE OHIO LIBRARIES!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please tell everyone you know to call or email our state senators and state representatives and most importantly Governor Strickland. Time is running out and your input could make all the difference.