Destiny, Downsizing, Depression, Despair

Hey everyone, I didn't post last week, but that is okay, we didn't have our downsizing group because we meet in a church and they had Vacation Bible School. I am not sure if you all will want to read my post right now anyways. I try to remain optimistic but darn it sometimes it is hard to be that way.

It is no surprise that I am struggling with my weight. I am not gaining alot but I am not losing alot right now either.

My title that I gave my post this week is making me think. Destiny...what is my destiny? Does anyone know and if they could would they really want to? Sometimes I wonder what my future holds, but I don't dwell on it. I keep thinking that if I turn more towards God then my destiny and reward will be when my life is over here on earth. While that is a great thought, what must I go through until I get to that point? It is hard to turn to God right now, my faith is teetering, which is causing my depression and subsequent feelings of despair. You are probably telling me to suck it up, get over yourself, quit having a pity party for yourself.

I am not feeling these feelings just because I am having a bad day or something isn't going my way. I feel this way because of my medical problems. I am so tired of feeling this way, I have this condition which is embarrassing, demoralizing, and when it is at it's worst is so painful that I can hardly cope. I am at my wit's end, and I am turning wherever I can to find help. I realize I am not alone, I have read many other testimonies about people suffering with the same issues as me and with the same experiences. While it helps to know I am not alone, I don't wish this on anyone. I am trying a new thing soon, I am going with the herbal route. At this point nothing can hurt and from what I am researching, this seems to be helping people in my situation.

Right at this particular point I can't even exercise, normally I am told to stay out of the water, but right now things are so bad that exercise is not advisable. I used to hope to hear those words before but now, I miss not being able to go to the gym.

Downsizing...this can be good or bad. Bad if you are facing this in your job, and while I still have my job and am very fortunate to have it, we are expected to pick up more and help out more because we are short staffed. I have the desire, I am not sure I have the optimum health. Downsizing to lose weight is a good thing, and I am pleased to say that I lost a pound this week.

I am trying harder this week, I am keeping to stricter eating patterns, since I am not exercising.

It will come off one day at a time.

So, enough of my whining, I will be okay. Psalms 28:7 says the Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.

I am reading this over and over and over and if I believe so shall it be.

Until next week...Gaining should be done only in my knowledge and Losing is the weight I hope to achieve.

Finally a name has been chosen

So, we are now called the Downsizers...
Usually that name has a negative sound, but in this case it is a good thing.
Where do I start this week? I have so much on my mind, so much that is bothering me. I gained four pounds this week, I guess it shouldn't surprise me, I had not been following my food plan and even though I made it to the gym three times last week, it just wasn't enough to ward off the gain.
I am thinking alot about self image and self esteem. I am finding out that reading about people who have lost 100 pounds or more is such a motivation to me. These people inspire me and if they can do then surely I can do it right? Kim Bensen will remain my true source of inspiration, she cares...as I am sure all the people who have lost significant amounts of weight do. Being this overweight makes us want to compensate in other areas, so that is why we seem happy, or "jolly". I know we all care about others in situations like our own, we have lived this life, we go through things that "thin" people don't go through. I have a new source of "mini" inspiration right now. Ruby Gettinger, she has a reality television show on the Style network. I do not have cable, so I just found out about her because Season 1 of her DVD just became available and I watched it and she is amazing. However as great as I think she is, her story doesn't help with what I am dealing with right now.
My mom has just lost a very dear friend, to a very unexpected and tragic death. This woman came into my mom's life when my mom needed someone to understand and motivate her. My mom is an amazing mother, she has always been there for everyone, and her kids are no exception. She has always wanted the best for us and has tried very hard to provide for us, but it was hard when she didn't have a high school education. I think her kids turned out okay, she pushed us all to finish high school and we did. I went to college and graduated and my sister went to cosmetology school; however has chosen a different path to follow, and my brother is a self taught computer whiz. My mom's dream was to get her GED and she finally decided to do it and that is where she met this new friend. She had a deep impact on my mom's life and has found out with the passing of her friend that my mom had an impact on her life as well. This friend of my mom's was a wonderful, talented, extremely intelligent person, who did not feel worthy. She did not think she deserved to have anything good in her life, nor did she feel she was special in any way. She was an overweight woman, and I am sure that is how she saw herself, but those who knew her and cared for her didn't see that. What a tragedy that this woman did not see herself as her friends and family saw her.
My point to all this...this is how I have been looking at my life. I do not feel worthy of anything. My self worth is based on my weight and appearance. Much like my mom's friend, I have family and friends who love me and support me. I just haven't seen it until now. I haven't taken the time to tell everyone that you mean the world to me, and I know that I mean something to all of you. I need to be more mindful of that as I keep on with this. I may have my struggles and trust me I am having them, but I know how many people in my life is rooting for me and supporting me. I don't have to be told this everyday, I know. I just sometimes get side tracked.
I know that you all will still feel the same way about me now as when I get the weight off. For this, I am so blessed.
There are so many other things running through my mind right now, but I am going to sit and contemplate them before writing about it. Just know that I am on track, my diet is going good this week, I am going to try and start walking around the track at the gym, and when I can't do the water classes I will still be able to get in a different type of exercise.
Until next week, I hope to lose nothing but weight and gain nothing but knowledge.

Dealing with illness

Well, I didn't post last week, and inquiring minds will probably want to know that I gained 7 1/2 pounds. This is crazy...I am down 13 pounds and then up 7 1/2...
I went to the doctor's office last Tuesday (June 30) because of my ever present and ever popular infection.
The reason it is so popular is because it wants to hang around in my body all the time. Who knew my body would be such a popular place? Okay, well, for those of you who know my past, keep the jokes to yourself (he-he).
It seems I always have this infection going on but at times it is manageable, well this time it wasn't. I had to have some outpatient surgery and was put on antibiotics and was out of commission from the 30th until the 7th of July. In that time I had a second outpatient surgery and I am now getting back into the swing of things, even though I am still feeling a bit under the weather.
So, with this latest infection, I have been mostly bed-ridden which will wreak havoc on a diet and I wasn't able to go to the gym at all, and was told not to go this week either.
So, AMA(against medical advice), I went to the pool on Tuesday, probably not my smartest move but then I am only of average intelligence so...
What I have to convey is that I have missed going to the gym, I really felt as if I needed to go. Is that some kind of attitude shift I am feeling? I did go to get weighed this past week, and left right after weigh in, I was still that sick. I lost 1 pound, which is good, but how it happened, I couldn't tell you. I am trying to get into the exercise mode again, I am going to the gym again tonight, but I am still feeling a little under the weather. This is probably why the doctor told me to take another week off.
The eating is not going to great this week, I am just struggling. I do that, especially when I don't feel good , it is hard for me to keep to my diet plan, because trust me it takes work to maintain it, and i feel like I don't have the energy. I know that this is an excuse, I kind of feel I have been making alot of them lately, but I am still not giving up.
Part of me felt as if I didn't want to blog again this week, but this does help keep me accountable, so here it is.
I hope to have a better report for you next week, so until then I hope to lose nothing but weight and gain nothing but knowledge.